Remember my last post? Where I said I had a bad feeling, a feeling something was going to happen. I was right.

Am feeling really shitty at the moment and barely feel like smiling, got forced to go out last night as I had the worst of days yesterday, ended up staying for barely 2 hours as I don't have a reason to smile at all. There is no reason to smile. laugh or to be happy at the moment.

I got a message yesterday asked how someone knew something they shouldn't, that someone is a friend of mine and apparently he knows something he shouldn't but I don't have a fucking clue what is going on and at the moment I want nothing more than to scream and cry. I feel like accusations keep getting thrown at me and I have no idea why. I've been accused about slagging off people, lying to them, saying things about stuff I wasn't at liberty to talk about even though I haven't, I just don't get it. I really don't.

At the moment I wish I had a time machine and could erase the last half a year even though it has probably been the best time of my life but the feelings I am feeling at the moment are not something I really want to be feeling. My heart feels like it has been put through a deep sudden frost and then been smashed. My heart is seriously breaking and I wish I couldn't feel this pain. I really just want to walk away from it or turn back time. I really don't want to be feeling like this but there isn't anything I can do, I can't fix what I didn't break.

This might be the last post here. I don't want to be here, or anywhere for that matter.

V.

I've got this feeling that it's been too quiet. That something is about to happen that I don't have any control over. I'm not sure how to cope with this feeling but I will whatever it is.

I don't know. I really don't know what it is.

~sighs~

With her three wishes clutched in her hands...

I can't talk to anyone. I can barely think. Even seeing the screen in struggle.

I am hurting at the moment. I really am. I don't know what to do.

Tyler and I might split up because of a stupid pass by question which was a mistake of my behalf to ask in the first place. I should really think before I say. And now I might loose one of the very few persons that actually matter at all to me in this world.

I've been trying to distract myself tonight. I can't. My thoughts are twirling around and having a go at me as I think I've made the mistake of my life. - I might loose the person I love. Just because I didn't think. Because I'm stupid and reckless. I really should just be shot or something. I can't seem to do anything right.

I know I can't do anything about that's already happened and I know it's nothing I can fix. I made a mistake and now I have to suffer for it. It's my fault. I don't I think before I say. Why do I bother talking at all. What the fuck is wrong with me.

3 months and 2 days ago Tyler and I officially became a couple. He's the only person that I've actually let this close to me since I got to know Inga when I was 18 years old. He's the only person that has understood me and my track of mind besides from Inga. It's probably about a month since I dared to tell him that I love him. He completely stole my heart and now it feels like it's about to break. I can't believe I might have ruined this.

I hate myself.

I had a breakdown last night. Like a proper breakdown, it hasn't happened for over a year that I've spiralled like this and I have to say, I really don't like it. I hate the feeling and it made me really just want to kick myself!

I half lashed out at Tyler, who to be fair did order me to tell him what was up with me but I REALLY shouldn't have said anything to start with. I should just have kept my gob closed and not said a word. He says that as I am his sub I am not allowed to bottle things up any more, I DON'T know how to express myself. What I do is just bottle things up till I have the chance of a proper impact play and take out ALL my anger and issues when I am getting a beating. It's worked for me for three years now and I've only had 2 breakdown besides from this one in the last three years. I don't get angry. I don't get upset. I don't lash out. I don't say anything when something is wrong. Because I know I can take it out when doing impact play. Then I can scream if I want to, I can cry, I can fight and I can swear all I want. I can take it ALL out that way. - I NEVER say what's up, I'm always 'fine'.



Bahh.

I haven't mentioned this before... but there is a huge change going on in my life, a change I don't want to be without.

I'm moving to London in just short 10 days. In 10 short days I'll be close to some of the people that I care about the most but leaving some of them. Not for good, never for good. But I decided that the right thing for me was to move back to London where I feel I can be myself and I don't worry the whole time about every little thing I do.

I've thought this over numerous times, I've weighed the pros and cons, I've even spoken to my family about this and they all say the same thing... that I should do what makes me happy, as long as I'm happy they are happy. It's not easy for my family to say that, it's not even easy for me to leave but this is what I need and want.

Someone I care about wondered if it was just because I got to know Tyler, I can honestly answer that question with a simple "No" it's not just because of Tyler, sure he's been pushing me to do what I feel right for myself, but I'm not moving there for him. I'm moving to London for myself. Because it's what I need to BE MYSELF.

I can't wait to get to London, I can't wait to spend time with my friends and give them hugs, I can't wait to just be free to be myself and have a laugh and pass silly comments about playing and fetishes. I want all of that back.

10 days. And then I'm free.

Now, out for a smoke.

V.

So. First part of the day was rather good, went to pick up my best friend but she lives about a half an hour drive from my place and then we were on our way to meet one of our best friends that's in the slammer... which is well... about 2 hours away from her place :P

We spent 3 hours with him that actually felt more like an half an hour, it was completely filled with laughs and giggles and mocking about. But that's the three of us in basics around each other :P

For me it's basically impossible not to laugh when the two of them are doing their little acts and mocking about, it's just hilarious!

On the way home everything started to go downhill. I started to get really nauseous and was feeling a bit under the weather. We got to my place where we chatted for a bit and I started to feel more and more sick, and very much so in pain. Felt like someone had managed to get a hook around my ovaries and was slowly trying to pull them out... and no it wasn't cramps.

I resisted to tell my best friend anything till the pain was too much to handle and she insisted that we went to the hospital as I was in real agony.

When we got to the hospital we were put in a room, a nurse took my blood pressure and temperature then we were escorted to a room where she told us that a doctor would be with us soon.

10 mins

20 mins

30 mins

40 mins

50 mins

60 mins

70 mins - FINALLY the doctor arrives.

The doctor poked and prodded me to try and find out if my apendix was okay. Which it was. Then poked and prodded some more and asked if they could have urine and blood samples. I was happy to oblige... even though I HATE needles used by doctors and nurses!

After supplying them with samples we waited again

10 mins

20 mins

30 mins

40 mins

50 mins

60 mins

70 mins

80 mins - Doctor arrives, looks at the chart... leaves again!

10 mins

20 mins

30 mins

40 mins - Doctor reappears and sits down besides me. Tells me that I don't have a temperature so I shouldn't worry about that. That he want's me coming in for more tests next week, I don't mind that. Then he says "Well, we found out that you AREN'T pregnant!" I looked at him and said "I COULD have told you that!" - This is where the doctor looked at me discontently and told me I was okay to go home, just have lots of painkillers and then come back in next week.

Am now relaxing with my dog Dominic and enjoying a ciggy.

I've never liked hospitals and I try to do EVERYTHING not to have to go to one or even have to go to the doctors... this just confirmed my dislike for them.

V.

It's snowing for the last 24 hours. I can't see the car outside the house anymore! I do wonder if I'll have to make myself an igloo or a snowman! Both sounds fairly fun to make *grins* I haven't seen this much snow for a while!

Was in a natural hot spring late last night, it was lovely. Addýs and I were there for a few hours, just chatting and having a laugh. Was really relaxing as well. Wish some of my UK friends had been there with us! Would have been WELL fun *grins*

I was having a bit of a 'bad' day on both Thursday and Friday, didn't know what was up but I've had some time to think, relax and just take the time out. Not too much thinking, not too much reading or writing, just keeping myself busy with stuff regarding the farm and the animals.

My dog, Domo, is really loving it here as he can run around ALL day and he has some company at it! It makes me laugh to see him disappear in to ditches that he doesn't notice until they are RIGHT infront of him, he just shakes it off and keeps on running around. It's good to see him happy.

You remember when I said that I didn't want to wear my masks anymore. Sometimes I really feel like putting them up again, hide myself from the people around. The people that have nothing better to do than talk shit. I hate that sorta things going on. I can't cope with them.



I just hope that I won't get the need to put the masks up again. I'm starting to think that I really need a hug and someone to remind me that I am going to be okay. But this is life for ya. I'll cope. I'll live.

Love, V.

Did some semi nude photography this week. Which was fun, love the shape of the body, and skin is AWESOME to photograph!

However today has been rather blank. Sitting around with my best friend watching American Dad is the highlight of it and fondling her baby bump!

Am going to my folks farm this weekend to do some photographing for my sister, who knows, perhaps some for myself as well. Depends on how 'proactive' I can be. It's going to be nice to get out of the city though for a couple of days. Am actually looking forward to seeing my youngest sister as I haven't seen her for about a month.

Anyways, going to get back to my writing and listening to the 'King'.

Care, V.

My thoughts keep going in circles. They have no beginning and no end. There is just something that keep replying in my head and I have no control over it.

I don't really let people get to know me. I don't let them through the barriers and when they do get through them it's usually after a long time and them really having to show that I can trust them.

I don't let people into my life as I am so afraid of getting hurt, as my trust has been abused so many times. I don't let them get to know my family, not even my dog unless I think they are actually there to stay.

I am so confused as there is actually someone that has gotten through the barriers without even trying, they saw right through me and the masks I usually put up. It is frightening but at the same time I feel relieved. I don't really know how to deal with it and I don't really know how to DO this.

I feel at ease about this person getting to know me, even though it is incredibly fast. I don't mind it. I really don't feel like they are going to hurt me or fuck me over. I feel safe and secure around them. I have lots in common with them and that amuses me.

I am going to take this day by day. No stress. No efforts. Just give time, time to pass.

---

This is what I wrote to go with this picture on Flickr. But didn't feel comfortable posting it there.

Listening to : Black Labels Society - Hangover Music Vol. VI

I've done lots of thinking the last days. Some of it is about playing and how it makes me feel. What I need for playing to be good for me and successful in the matter of spacing and just generally feel good about it.

I've come to the conclusion WHY I am so picky about the people I play with, it isn't all about me being careful, it is also the fact I need to have a connection with the person I play with to really enjoy it. To know that I am going to be safe and that I am being cared for.

I think one of the most memorable times for me was when I was doing needles for the second time, the person I was doing them with hit scar tissue in my shoulders (it tends to happen if you train horses and fall of horses often) and I felt really sick and asked him to quickly get them out as I really needed to get out for fresh air. He took the out as quick as he could and I ran outside. About an hour later his sub Jo found me sitting outside and said to me that Pete, the one doing the needles, had been looking for me the last hour and was really worried about me. I don't think I've got so many hugs in one night from someone, he really was worried and he cared that I was safe and okay. It felt right to me. - And yes I still have my love for my needles.

Another memorable time is the first time I asked Tim to make me cry, he looked at me really hard and asked if I was sure if that was what I wanted. When I explained to him WHY I needed it he knew I was genuinely asking him to help me release something that I wasn't coping with and I just needed to cry and get it all out. What I remember the most from that night is he kept on hurting me when I started crying and it felt so RIGHT to me. It felt like something that HAD to happen. I remember all the hugs and caring, I thought the man wasn't going to let me go again. But again, I felt right. IT felt right.

I have my releases in pain. I don't really get angry, at least it is VERY hard for me to get angry and I'll rather keep it all in and release it when I am playing than towards someone. I really don't like it when I get angry. It isn't ME it's something that kind a scares me sometimes. The last time I allowed myself to actually BE angry I punched through a wardrobe door... my dad wasn't amused as he had to fix it. And I didn't feel any better after it to be honest, I'd unleashed my anger but I'd got guilt instead for doing something that I shouldn't have done.

I get upset and sad once in a while but I usually manage to write myself through that. I get my release through that. And well, sometimes it just does you good to cry.

I've never been TOO emotional, I don't often tell people that I care for them or that I love them. When I do it's because I REALLY do mean it and I want to let them know that they matter to me. Others I try to show it in what I do, for example I love hugging my friends, I love to feel their arms around me, it makes me feel safe and for me hugging is rather intimate, as well as kisses, I don't kiss people unless I really care for them or love them. Some things are just too intimate to give to just anyone.

Sometimes you just know when you get to know someone or let someone into your life that they are the right person to let in. That is perhaps the reason I am so careful about who I really let into my life. I am very fortunate to know that I have such amazing friends, old and new. Not just in England but in Iceland. but even I have made the mistake of letting the wrong people in, but I believe that you must learn for the experience. You won't get anything for free in this life. There are always going to be sacrifices.

November two years ago I really found out who were my friends in London, some of them were people I really didn't expect to matter to me this much like Sparky and Pups. The two of them are some of the most important persons in my life. They really have stuck by me and they have been there when I've needed them but I believe it's because they are really who they are. I hate it when people keep putting up masks for the public to see, I like to see the real person. I am just glad that I actually had the chance to find out that I have such amazing friends.

In the last month I've even made new friends, that have become rather important to me in an amazingly short time but I really wouldn't trade that for the world. They entered my life very unexpectedly but they are there for a reason.

Anyways, I am going to stop my ranting now.

Love, V.